chocolate chocolate donut: 1 year. 365 days.

***WARNING****

Emotional post...

1 year. 365 days. It doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem real. It seems like just yesterday I got the call.

This day exactly one year ago I was working as a nurse in the Emergency Department. It was your typical busy day where I didn't get a lunch and barely even got the chance to sit down.

Around 4pm I had the chance to look at my phone and noticed I had 10 missed calls. That is never good. I called my dad back from the middle of the nurse's station while holding 6 different medications and IV bags in my arms. I was gruff on the phone when he answered because I was in a hurry and didn't have time to chat.

When he answered he simply asked, "What are you doing?"

WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?!?!?!?!?!? I'm at work in the ER.

He said, well you should sit down... I knew. I knew something was instantly wrong. My heart sank. My stomach was sick. The next 4 words out of his mouth was something I was not prepared for. It was also something that I had been dreading my whole life.

"Your mother has died."

The next in the sequence of events is kind of blurry and still seems like a movie. I sank to my knees and dropped the medications to the ground. I remember saying, "No. No. No that can't be. It's not true." But it was.

I then remember being escorted to a back room by some of the nurses. They grabbed my belongings and escorted me out to a police squad car that took me to the parking garage where my car was. I drove sobbing and in disbelief. I did not go home. I drove straight to my best friend's house.

I have had the same best friend for almost 22 years. We are sisters. Been through thick and thin. Cried, laughed, fought, and enjoyed every moment we spend together. Her family is my family. She called them all and they were all there waiting by the time I even showed up. Throughout the night I had every person whom I hold dear to my heart come by and visit me until 3 am.

I did not want to go to sleep because I would have to remember that it wasn't a dream all over again.

I did not get out of bed that next day. My head hurt from crying. My heart hurt worse.

No one can imagine losing their mother, especially at such a young age. She was only 56 years old. She will never see me get married. See me walk in my graduation for my masters degree. Hold my children some day.

She had her demons. Plenty of them. Our relationship struggled because of it. I always hoped that she would come back. Back to the mother I remember as a child. Back to the mother who held me when I scraped my knee. Who wiped my tears when people would bully me at school. I never got that back. And now she is gone. Watching me from above. It's funny because I think I see her once in while. People look like her in passing. It's a simple reminder.

Through the miracle of social media and INCREDIBLE generosity of my friends and family we were able to raise enough money to hold a funeral for us to say goodbye.

My mother leaves behind 5 kids, friends, and family.

Fast forward 1 year. 365 days later.

After this happened I took guardianship of my 11 year old brother. Although he doesn't live with me, I have gotten the opportunity to become a "Disneyland Dad" of sorts and I can honestly say he has been such a blessing in my life. We have date night every week and I have introduced him to the great outdoors and traveling.

I am now entering into my last semester of graduate school to become a family nurse practitioner. I never even got to tell my mother that I got into the program.

I have lost 66 pounds in 8 months and become the healthiest and strongest I have ever been.

And.... I am happy. Despite the year from hell, I came out on top. I started from the bottom, now I'm here.